(no subject)

[simonejester]

Things I Am No Longer
Allowed to Do at Hogwarts

 

---

Stolen blatantly from this
person's LiveJournal, picked out my favorites, and edited for spelling,
grammar, and in a few cases, content.

Entries in green are ones I thought
up while compiling this list.

---

No matter how good a fake
Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of
Magical Creatures class.

---

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic
mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology."

---

"I've heard every possible joke about
Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

---

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate
date to the Yule Ball.

---

I will not use Umbridge's quill to
write "I told you I was hardcore."

---

Polishing my wand in the common room
is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

---

If a classmate falls asleep, I will
not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

---

Starting a betting pool on the fate
of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a
clever money-making concept.

---

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me
Lucky Charms."

---

I will not refer to the Weasley twins
as "bookends."

---

I will not refer to the Patil twins
as "bookends."

---

I will not provide Luna Lovegood with
Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.

---

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball
to Divination class.

---

I will not place anything by Silver
Ravenwolf on the library shelves.

---

I am not a sloth Animagus.

---

I am not a tribble Animagus.

---

I am allowed to have a toad, rat,
cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard,
Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

---

I do not weigh the same as a duck.

---

I will stop asking the Arithmancy
teacher what the square root of -1 is.

---

Any resemblance between Dementors and
Nazgul is coincidental.

---

I will not change the password to the
prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."

---

There is no such thing as an
Invisibility Thong.

---

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor
in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

---

I will not offer to pose nude for
Colin Creevey.

---

I will not offer to pose nude for
Dean Thomas.

---

It is a bad idea to tell Professor
Snape he takes himself too seriously.

---

It is a bad idea to tell Professor
McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

---

I am not to owl copies of the Evil
Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

---

I will not teach the first-years to
sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End."

---

I will not take out a life insurance
policy on Harry Potter.

---

My name is not Captain Subtext.

---

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not
sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela
Pheromones."

---

Hogwarts does not have a student
council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will
cease going after the prefects with a sword.

---

I will not refer to Kingsley
Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror."

---

I cannot Hadoken anything into
oblivion.

---

-Nor can I cast Ice 9 or Ultima.

---

I will not sweep the Gryffindor
common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

---

The Giant Squid has never made an
appearance in any hentai film.

---

It is wrong to refer to Aragog as
"Charlotte".

---

Professor Flitwick's first name in
not Yoda.

---

I am no longer allowed to use the
words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

---

-Or any other Slytherin.

---

I am not the Defense Against the
Boring Classes Professor.

---

-Nor am I the Care of Witches
Underwear Professor.

---

-I am not a Professor, at all.

---

I am no longer allowed in the student
laundry.

---

-Or the teacher laundry.

---

Nor am I allowed to ever cast an
Invisibility charm again.

---

While wand safety is an important
issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference
to Belinda the Buttless.

---

It is generally accepted that Cats
and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory,
no matter how wicked the result would be.

---

I will not give any girl a one half
of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present.

---

-Especially if I don't tell her what
it is.

---

Gryffindor courage does not come in
bottles labeled firewhiskey.

---

-Charming the label does not change
anything.

---

I am not allowed to eat Chocolate
Frogs in Potions class.

---

-Even if I brought enough for
everyone.

---

-Emptying a bag full of them onto
Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

---

Peeves may not countermand any of my
professors' or prefects' orders.

---

Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

---

-Testing this last is not funny.

---

Crucifixes do not ward off
Slytherins, and I should not test that.

---

May not mock Professor Umbridge in
front of the press.

---

I may not speak Latin in front of the
books.

---

The proper way to report to Professor
McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good
authority that you have no evidence."

---

May not insinuate that all beautiful
American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's
Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

---

When someone accuses me of not
wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is
indecent.

---

-Especially if I can't.

---

If someone's House Badge is green and
mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The
Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

---

Using the Engorgio charm on certain
parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for
entertainment purposes.

---

First years are not to be fed to
Fluffy.

---

Hagrid does not have sex with magical
creatures, I should stop implying that he does.

---

House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts
menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

---

I am not allowed to claim Draco
Malfoy is suffering from "blue balls."

---

-Not even if I loaded his jock with
woad.

---

It is inappropriate to slip sample
bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

---

I will not impersonate the Swedish
Chef in Potions class.

---

My headmaster's name is Albus
Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

---

When given a directive by my house
prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

---

First-years should not be encouraged
to befriend the Whomping Willow.

---

House ghosts do not regularly "slime"
anyone.

---

Novelty or holiday-themed ties are
not to be worn with my school uniform.

---

I will not suggest that Professor
Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."

---

My wand does not vibrate.

---

There is no "open mic night" at
Hogwarts.

---

The fact that Draco Malfoy is short,
blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that
Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

---

I will not tell the Muggle-born
first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

---

I am not to conjure the words "DRINK
ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

---

I will not go to any fundamentalist
websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of
"intelligent design."

---

The next time that I see Rita
Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

---

Should I chance to see a Death Eater
wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the
Opera."

---

I should not refer to Defense Against
the Dark Arts professors as "canaries in the coal mine."

---

I will not put books of Muggle fairy
tales in the history section of the library.

---

I will not send pictures of magical
creatures to the Weekly World News.

---

I will not cover myself in ectoplasm
and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

---

There is not now, nor has there ever
been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I
its founder.

---

I am not allowed to ink my owl's
feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for
Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

---

I will not refer to the accio charm
as "The Force."

---

A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not
acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

---

Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched
hive of scum and villainy."

---

Professor Flitwick has heard all the
"swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.

---

The Giant Squid is not interested in
starring in tentacle porn movies.

---

I will not send Professor Snape
toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

---

Humming/singing/referring in any way
to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate.
It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

---

I am not allowed out of my dorm when
visitors from the Ministry are here.

---

I will never again use the spell used
to enchant bludgers on peas.

---

-Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any
other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

---

Not allowed to lock Harry Potter and
Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

---

-Not allowed to lock anyone in a
closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.

---

"Y'all check this-here shit out!" is
not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental
spell.

---

Neither is "Fire in
the hole!"

---

I will not refer to Professor
Umbridge as the Wicked Witch of the West.

---

He who should not be named is not the
artist formerly known as Prince and I will not tell first years such.

---

Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy"
and I will not claim he is.

---

-That goes double when Draco Malfoy
is within earshot.

---

A Time-Turner is not a flux
capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

---

My professors have neither the time,
nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

---

No part of the school uniform is
edible.

---

-Not allowed to make any part of the
school uniform edible.

---

Never, ever, attempt to correct
Professor Moody about anything.

---

The following words and phrases may
not be used near any Slytherins or Gryffindors, as Madam Pomfrey has enough
work without adding an aneurysm epidemic to her workload: budding sexuality,
sexual lubrication, all Gryffindors are latent homosexuals, all Slytherins are
blatant homosexuals, slut puppy, or any references to the Giant Squid.

---

Will not offer to sell Hagrid new
creatures.

---

-Especially not if I actually have
them.

---

If the thought of a spell makes me
giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do
it.

---

I may not challenge prefects to “Meet
me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.”

---

-Or anyone else, for
that matter.

---

I should not confess to crimes that
took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

---

I should not show up at the front
gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.

---

-Even if my prefect did it.

---

Do not dare first years to eat bugs.
They will always do it.

---

I will not hand red shirts to the new
Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and claim that they're the standard
uniform for the position.

---

I will not enchant the Golden Snitch
to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

---

-Or any other orifice, for that
matter.

---

I will not try to hock off my old
piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

---

The Giant Squid is not to be referred
to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the
new moon.

---

The Muggle known as George W. Bush is
not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop
insinuating that he is.

---

Professor Snape is not and never has
been a 'sexy bitch.'

---

I am not to sing "We're off to see
the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz"' when sent to the Headmaster's office.

---

The research and manufacture of
mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

---

'Not enough room to swing a cat in
here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.

---

-Especially not with Mrs. Norris.

---

I am not able to see the Grim Reaper,
nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass
and looking at him impatiently.

---

-Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

---

I am not a member of the Spanish
Inquisition.

---

I will not try to convert my
housemates to Christianity.

---

-Or Wicca.

---

-This does not mean that my religious
rights are being violated.

---

I am not allowed to hit bludgers at
spectators.

---

-Or the referee.

---

There is indeed a spoon.

---

The four Houses are not the Morons,
the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

---

Albus Dumbledore is not my own
personal Jesus.

---

Professor Snape did not kill my
father and does not deserve to die.

---

Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot
of gold under his bed.

---

-Or under his robe.

---

I will not follow potion instructions
in reverse order 'to see what happens.'

---

I will not accept anything edible
from a Weasley.

---

Professor Snape's problem is not that
"he needs to get laid."

---

Draco Malfoy is not a ferret
Animagus.

---

Despite my personal beliefs,
Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.

---

Shouting random Latin phrases while
waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

---

I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe
and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

---

I will not claim there is a prequel
to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

---

I will not use the Marauder's Map for
stalking purposes.

---

The fact that there are only three
Unforgivable Curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much
forgivable."

---

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves
to paintballing.

---

I am not allowed to forget my
Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while
they are in recording mode.

---

I am not allowed to give Professor
Trelawney a book on trepanning.

---

I am not allowed to say "gesundheit"
every time someone mentions Quidditch.

---

Attempting to create real tribbles is
expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical
Creatures.

---

Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort
new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

---

The Whomping Willow is not an
Entwife.

---

Professor Moriarty does not teach at
Hogwarts.

---

"Professor Trelawney predicted that I
would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to suspect that she is
planning to kill you.

---

Though Mr. Filch does order in a lot
of Chianti and Fava beans, he does not normally eat children.

---

Sesame Street is not the American
equivalent of Diagon Alley.

---

I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick
that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached, as that is cruel.

---

I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the
Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other
people to call, "Ni!" from various directions.

---

Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.

---

My hat is not a suitable place for
storing firewhiskey.

---

I cannot be a Heffalump Animagus.

---

I cannot refer to Cornelius Fudge as
the "Minister of Silly Walks."

---

I am not allowed to give the
Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

---

Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be
taken apart piece by piece and reassembled inside Snape's classroom.

---

Quidditch is not Calvinball, and the
score is not 'Q to 12' when I'm doing the commentary.

---

I will not ask anyone if they are
"fucking serious" and then giggle madly when they reply in the affirmative.

---

Professor Snape's proper given name
is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

---

Robes are not optional.

---

I will not fly under the influence of
butterbeer.

---

Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you
do everything together?" is ill-advised.

---

-So is asking if Lee Jordan is "the
top."

---

It is uncouth to ask Ginny Weasley if
the carpet matches the drapes.

---

Telling Lucius Malfoy what he
could do with his staff... is not advisable.

---

-Less advisable if it involves
anything sexual with Professor Snape.

---

Coming up behind Harry while he and
Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!"
is not funny.

---

-Even if Luna Lovegood does say "Yes,
I thought so too."

---

I am not a Balrog Animagus.

---

- ...Either of them.

---

Nor do I have the master plan.

---

I will not write to Amnesty
International asking them to support elf rights.

---

I will not pester Hermione to join
MENSA.

---

I will not tell the Ravenclaws that
they're basically useless because Hogwarts's smartest student is in another
house.

---

Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.

---

I will not try to explain the laws of
physics, not even for the sake of argument.

---

Hebrew is an acceptable substitute
for Latin. Esperanto is not.

---

If I even look like I might sing "I
know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

---

-Ditto: Henry the VIII I am; This is
a song that never ends; or One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall.

---

-Or any folksong that starts out
"innocent enough."

---

An "Irish Mudslide" (Bailey's,
Kahlua, ice cream, and chocolate syrup) will not get you extra credit in
Potions.

---

My name is not Valentine Michael
Smith, even if I can make my clothes disappear.

---

I am not bonded to any fire lizards,
and claiming that I am and that they are on a mating flight does not excuse that
sort of behavior in public.

---

-Or in private.

---

I will not stack Professor
Trelawney's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower,
The Hanged Man, Judgment and Death.

---

-I will not play poker or bridge with
Professor Trelawney's tarot deck.

---

I will not try to pass Monopoly money
as Muggle currency.

---

The Church of the Subgenius is not
the dominant religion in the United States.

---

I am not to tell Muggle-born
first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans taste better when one eats a
whole handful simultaneously.

---

I will not take out a life insurance
policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

---

I will not roll a d20 to see if my
spell has worked or not.

---

If the new DADA teacher gives his
name as "Dr. John Smith" or simply "The Doctor", prepare for the worst including
but not limited to alien invasion, time travel and a possible apocalypse.

---

I am not allowed to discuss my theory
that Lord Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

---

Leaving a vase filled with pussy
willow buds on Professor McGonagall's desk will result in a week's detention.

---

I will not wear a corset and fishnets
under my Gryffindor house robes.

---

- I will not speculate as to whether
Professor Snape wears them under his robes, either.

---

- Nor will I check to see for myself.

---

I will not reset Hermione Granger's
Time Turner to Daylight Savings Time.

---

I am not to tell wizard-born first
years that Muggles worship Cthulhu.

---

- Nor that the Giant Squid is
Cthulhu's love child.

---

The Easter Bunny is not Jesus'
Animagus form.

---

I am not allowed to ask Pureblood
students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother
and sister?"

---

No matter how vast the uses and
entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

---

-This goes double for superglue.

---

I will not attempt to get away with
anything Harry Potter and company gets away with. They're SPECIAL.

---

I will not introduce Muggle water
cannons to the school. Due to their excessive firepower, they violate the
Weasley Arms Treaty of About Two Years Ago.

---

I will not smuggle for Muggles.

---

- Nor will I send magical equipment
to Caltech or MIT in exchange for full tuition.

---

I will not request "The Cha-Cha
Slide" be played at the Yule Ball.

---

-Likewise for the Chicken Dance, the
Limbo, and/or the Macarena

---

Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a
ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

---

Pokemon are not part of the Care of
Magical Creatures curriculum.

---

The average land speed of an unladen
swallow is not relevant to my Arithmancy assignment.

---

I shouldn't sing that Monty Python
song about penises in front of Percy Weasley.

---

-I shouldn't sing it in front of Fred
or George Weasley either, but for different reasons.

---

Professor Lupin's curriculum vitae
does not include employment at anyplace named "Guilty Pleasures."

---

-Or "Circus of the
Damned," for that matter.

---

-Nor does it include residence in St.
Louis, MO.

---

It is exceptionally tasteless to tell
Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."

---

Adding the name "Bueller" to
Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

---

The band at the Yule Ball does not
know how to play "Freebird," and shouting at them will not change that.

---

- The same applies to "Stairway to
Heaven."

---

Telling Luna Lovegood that Buffy the
Vampire Slayer is a documentary is an unkind thing to do.

---

Not allowed to hire Aragog's children
to spell out "Some Pig" in spider web over anyone's bed.

---

- Not even Pansy Parkinson's.

---

I will not claim that Professor
McGonagall is a Bene Gesserit witch.

---

I will not tell first years that
"Moon Prism Power, MAKE UP!" is a basic Transfiguration spell.

---

- Moon Tiara Magic is not a proper
spell, either.

---

My name is not "The Dark Lord
Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

---

I must never sing "Bad Moon Rising"
around Professor Lupin.

---

-Or "Moondance."

---

-And definitely not "Werewolves of
London."

---

There is NOT a market for 'girls gone
wild: Hogsmeade weekend' DVDs.

---

The Anarchist's cook book is not
acceptable study material for Muggle Studies.

---

I am not to reference the 'Dungeon
Master Guide' in essay or research project.

---

- Nor any other D&D book.

---

- No, not even the Monster Manual.

---

Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.

---

Telling any member of the staff that
you intend on becoming the next Dark Lord will not end well.

---

"Weasley is Our King" is not the
school song, and shouldn't be treated as such.

---

Voldemort is not my homeboy.

---

Shouting 'Amen!' at every pause in
Dumbledore's beginning of the year speech is inappropriate.

---

Hermione Granger is not having
inappropriate relations with Professor Lupin, and I should quit implying that
she is.

---

Under no circumstances am I to refer
to Professor Snape as a "bloodsucking, day-sleeping, turtle-hating,
creepy-crawling, no-toilet-paper-buying,

inconsiderate bitch."

---

-Even if I heard Professor Lupin
address him as such.

---

"Crucio" is not a good safe word.

---

Magic Mouth is not a real spell, and
even if it were it does not do what I think it does.

---

Yes, the Great Hall is extremely
large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

---

"Rolling a natural 20 on my Charisma
check" does NOT entitle me to sleep with any of the Hogwarts professors.

---

Pornographic films are not an
accurate representation of Muggle life and it is wrong to tell my wizard-born
they are.

---

The Floo net is not for porn.

---

Even if Fred and George Weasley did
it, I am not allowed to run a business out of the dorms.

---

-Especially an escort service.

---

-Even if the teachers get a cut.

---

-Even if the teachers get freebies.

---

I will not attempt spells that have
anything to do with genitalia.

---

-It doesn't matter how bad the rash
is.

---

-No one is interested in how I got
the rash.

---

Adding "-us" to the end of a word
does not make it a spell.

---

-Neither does adding "izzle."

---

I will stop sneaking out at night to
look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.

---

I cannot be a Pokemon Animagus.

---

I will not tell Crabbe and Goyle that
if you say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."

---

-No matter how many times they
believe it.

---

I will not charm a potato to waltz up
and down a aisle with me.

---

-Especially if it is a produce aisle.

---

Nobody from any of the Wheel of Time
books belongs at Hogwarts. The very thought of Matrim Cauthon and the Weasley
twins in the same room is enough to get

me banned from the library.

---

I am not allowed to replace any
section of the library with my Dungeons and Dragons sourcebooks.

---

-Especially not the Book of Erotic
Fantasy.

---

-Even if the Book of Vile Darkness
would be rather appropriate for Defense Against the Dark Arts classes.

---

I will not spread rumors that
Honeydukes carries Spice.

---

The Potions classroom is not Kitchen
Stadium.

---

Professor McGonagall is not related
to Clan Chattan, nor does she suffer from "the Curse of Mor Sine."

---

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for
a reason.

---

Spiking the school's supply of
pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much we enjoyed ourselves that night.

---

I am not being repressed.

---

It is still illegal even if I don't
get caught.

---

Asking Hagrid if he’s “big where it
counts” is not only inappropriate but also results in much blushing.

---

- With the exception that there
actually is.

---

-I am, under no circumstances, to put
an untamed magical creature in my pants.

---

-Same goes for telling him that I
have a magical creature for him to tame… in my pants.

---

I am no longer allowed to sing my
“own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways.

---

Doing a strip-tease every time I
change in my dormitory is not only distracting but vile.

---

-Same goes for changing for
Quidditch.

---

-Or any time I remove clothing.

---

-I am no longer allowed to remove
clothing in the presence of others.

---

Kicking people and then running away
is a good way to get yourself hexed.

---

Yelling “BOO!” at Professor Moody is
not wise.

---

Remarking “that’s what your mom said
last night” to anything anyone else says was only marginally funny the first
time.

---

-It was never funny when said to
Harry.

---

-Sirius, however, finds it funny.

---

There are no house cheerleaders and I
am not one of them.

---

Putting a Snitch in Malfoy's pants
really isn't all that funny.

---

-Even if it does make him scream like
a girl.

---

I am not allowed to use the
Marauder's Map while playing Hide-and-Seek in the corridors, because that is
cheating.

---

-Actually, I'm not allowed to play
Hide-and-Seek in the corridors.

---

-Or in the classrooms.

---

-Or in the Prefects' bathroom.

---

-Or in Dumbledore's office.

---

-I am not allowed to play
Hide-and-Seek at all.

---

I must not make fake pictures of
Harry and Draco doing inappropriate things and post them around the school.

---

-Mustn't use real ones, either.

---

I must not try to work out the
Galleon/pound sterling exchange rate by relying on the price of Quidditch
Through the Ages.

---

I am not allowed to pass my time by
licking my wand suggestively.

---

I will not refer to my wand as "my
boom-stick".

---

The sword of Gryffindor is not
Andúril.

---

Replying every question that
Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the
first time.

---

-Except when he answers, "Yes" before
catching on.

---

(-Bonus points if he blushes.)

---

Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy
Professor make.

---

-Funny, it is not.

---

I am not allowed to switch the
Hogwarts Express with the Magic School Bus.

---

-Even if it would be educational for
the Hogwarts students.

---

-Even if it would be educational for
Ms. Frizzle's class, too.

---

-No matter how closely related Ms.
Frizzle is to the Weasleys.

---

The Astronomy Tower is not the Dark
Tower. Nor are any of the others.

---

Jumping up on a table during dinner
and singing "La Vie Boheme" is more likely to confuse my enemies than chase them
out of the Great Hall. Besides, I

probably won't have anyone else join in, which takes some of the fun out of it.

---

I cannot teach first years how to fly
without a broom and I will give them their money back when they recover.

---

“Special brownies” are frowned upon.

---

-Even if the results are hilarious.

---

-Especially if given to the staff.

---

Yelling, “To infinity, and BEYOND!”
was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

---

I should stop telling Professor
Trelawney that I see "a half-naked man lying on a bed, enticing me with fresh
nectars" in my crystal ball.

---

-Even if it's true.

---

The song "Helter Skelter" does not
refer to Lord Voldemort in any way.

---

Ozzy Osbourne is not really the Dark
Lord.

---

Getting my little brother to record
his latest thrashcore masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it at Hogwarts
is a good idea in theory, but not in concept.

---

I cannot magically send LiveJournal
updates through parchment.

---

Emoticons are not Runes.

---

I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no
matter how kickass that would be.

---

No matter how creepy and abandoned
some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in
any of them.

---

Real wizards laugh at Gerald Gardner.
I will not attempt to invoke his authority on anything.

---

I cannot get credit in Ancient Runes
for knowing BASIC, no matter how long it's been in use.

---

The ducks are not my minions, no
matter how much bread I feed them.

---

-Same goes for the squirrels.

---

I will not attempt to magically
animate my marshmallow Peeps.

---

I will not attempt to create Happy
Noodle Boy by animating a packet of ramen.

---

Trying to make a Jhonen Vasquez comic
into one of those nifty moving pictures is more disturbing than clever.

---

I do not get any flying monkeys when
I graduate.

---

Ruby slippers do nothing unless
specifically enchanted.

---

I am not to proclaim in Divination
class that Professor Flitwick will someday appear in a Travelocity.com
advertising campaign.

---

I will not rewrite the entire history
of Alchemy by referring to the Philosopher's Stone as the "Sorcerer's Stone."

---

Telling first years that Thor will
come down on them with all his wrath if they don't obey my will does not make me
Odin.

---

I should not Transfigure all of Ron
Weasley's Chocolate Frog cards into pornography.

---

-Especially not pornography involving
the people originally on the cards.

---

Enchanting all brooms to hum "The
Sorcerer's Apprentice" is very, very annoying.

---

-Especially because I find it funny.

---

Even if I should manage the spell to
animate my luggage, I am not allowed to feed Mrs. Norris to it. Or any of the
first year students.

---

Legilimency and strip poker do not
mix.

---

I am not allowed to feed first years
to the Giant Squid.

---

I am not allowed to tell first years
that Filch eats little children.

---

-Nor am I to plant incriminating
evidence in his office.

---

I am not allowed to charm the suits
of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas
feast.

---

"The Spam Song" was not funny the
first time. It wasn't funny the second time.

---

I may not sell Professor Umbridge's
blood quill to emo students.

---

-Especially if they're no good at
poetry.

---

There is no wizard porn in the
Restricted Section.

---

-I am not allowed to put wizard porn
in the Restricted Section.

---

Hobbits do not exist.

---

Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not
guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.

---

Kingsley Shacklebolt is not Lando
Calrissian, Mace Windu, Barrett, Charlie Young, Sol, Vinny or Mean Joe Greene.

---

-Mr. Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt
me if I refer to him as 'my nigga.'

---

-Mr. Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt
me whenever he pleases.

---

I am not allowed to sing, whistle, or
hum "Suicide is Painless" when I'm in the hospital wing.

---

I am not allowed to quote Candide if
someone has stuck their wand in the back of their pants and blown a buttock off.

---

Just because it's not listed under
the dress code rules doesn't mean it's not inappropriate.

---

"Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse"
is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

---

Every Muggle-born before me has
quoted Macbeth in Potions class. It was never funny.

---

I am not allowed to imitate Percy
Weasley as C-3PO.

---

Every joke in the world has been made
about wands.

---

-I do not earn house points if I come
up with an original joke.

---

I should not insist for the Order to
invest in Gundams to fight the Death Eaters.

---

I will not refer to house elves as
"self-disciplining submissives."

---

If a classmate is jingling the change
in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts."

---

I am not allowed to give out
Strangling Scarves as Christmas presents.

---

"Shpadoinkle" is not a spell.

---

Snape's ingredient cabinet/closet is
NOT filled with yummy candy, and I should stop telling the first years that it
is

---

I am not to make hundreds of Muggle
inside jokes to witches and wizards who will not get them.

---

Breaking the fourth wall is
unacceptable behavior.

---

I am allowed a cat, a rat, a frog or
an owl, not a Swamp Dragon.

---

I am not allowed to use my broom to
"squish" anything.

---

Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights
who say "NI".

---

I cannot Impress a Hungarian
Horntail.

---

-Not even if I feed it till it
sleeps.

---

-Especially not if I feed it first
years.

---

I am not to Polyjuice myself into
John de Lancie and Apparate into a Star Trek convention.

---

I am not a Jedi Master, a Pokemon
Master, a Shaolin Master, or a Master of the Obvious.

---

Buying a wand from Lovecraft or Good
Vibrations and attempting to use it for class work is in poor taste.

---

I am not to suggest to Professor
Trelawney that we do strip tarot readings.

---

-Even if my Divination partner is a
fit Quidditch bloke.

---

-I am also not to convince first
years that tarot can only be read in this manner.

---

-Especially if I have tampered with
the deck.

---

I am not allowed to wear all my
housemates robes at the same time.

---

-Especially not if I insist on going
commando.

---

I do not have a 'Stone of Recall'
that will get me out of any situation.

---

-That includes detention.

---